Dying Days

For the first time in years I have absolutely no clue how i am going to make this work.

I'm 21! wooo! Woo!... Wo?

Saturday night was fun... went to The Connection, the local gay "entertainment complex" yes it is that big, several bars and dance floor and theatre... and the #1 Drag show in the nation! Big thanks to Brian Mcgill, for showing up and hanging out, even tho it musta been uncomfortable... especially the shower bar( a bar with men dancing scantily in showers).

Also thx to Brent and Ashley who took me out and such.

class is starting, I will post more later

So, I got my midterm back from my U.S. History class. And now I know what has been lurking at the back of my mind for so long. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I got a fucking 41%... how the hell. I studied my ass off for this exam. I mean really though.

Maybe I can't be a manager, go to school full time and do two small outside activites. Maybe I need to just quit.

Ok, first things first:


Jay Brannan is epic awesome... I found my copy of "Unmastered EP" and purchased a copy of "Goddamned" from iTunes! He is so freaking adorable too! I reccomend this song, "26 Hour Day", "Death Waltz" and "Housewife" which pretty much explains where I am at right now in my life.

Second act of bussiness... I have started studying for a class I am not even in yet already... to make a long story short, because of some of my goals (Grad School goals) my advisor thought it best if I took more language classes, I haven't taken German in a year, and I am being thrown into German 212(Junior level German, haven't completed 211 yet) next semester, but I have to interview with the Dept. Chair and professor first, in German... yuch...But if all goes well I will be in Austria for 6 Weeks this summer!


I registered for my other five classes on Wednesday. Taking Modern Political Theory, U.S. History 1877 to the Present, History of Rome, Experiencing Theatre, and Intro to Life Science... interesting mix of classes... only two should be difficult enough to be stressful, but I have to get through this semester first...and then throw in Intermediate German Conversation and Composition and wheee!

Oh well... bed time (yes it is only 9 pm, no I don't care.)
<3 Shades

ungghggdf'k
Slept in untill forever... as in 5 minutes ago... ride is supposed to be here now, which is in 15 minutes aAriel time...
just wanna go back to sleep.
On the plus side, I talked to my advisor for like an hour and a half yesterday about classes and such! Sadly the night class I wanted to take was cancelled, so no Philosophical Foundations of the US Constitution for me, but I might be taking American Political Thought, which should be similar.
Also, we talked about Grad school and my Minors, which was frightening. Right now I am in a position to minor in about 5 different things, but he suggested I just do what I was good at for my GPA and/or grad schools would look at... so Theatre, History, and possibly German won out I think... If I get accepted into the Summer Abroad Program I am applying to then definitely German, since I will not need any more hours after that...
but yeah... my stomach hurts...

It is funny how little things can make you think... how small things can remind you of who you once were.
I was walking into my room, attempting to be quiet because my mom is asleep, and I remembered the exorcise we did in my acting class two years ago, analyzing people's walks... mine was quiet and fluid, a result of four years of marching band... seriously. Today I struggle to be quiet when I walk because my footfall has shifted to the middle of my foot instead of the rollstep I once favored.
That got me thinking about where I was two years ago. I was an associate at work, I was single, though not for long. I was a freshman, merely 18 years old, who was majoring in Foreign Language and International Studies... Today that has changed so much. I am in management at work, still single, but not lamenting that fact, and I am a junior who will be done with his political science major in a semester (other than pesky electives... no more political science classes required.) Two years from now who knows where I will be. Hopefully a first year grad student well on his way to a PhD in Political Theory. But I won't be living here, not in this city even if all goes as planned. I will be in DC or Chicago or some other large city. I will be living on my own and providing for myself... It is all quite daunting.

In other news, been listening to Bare a Pop Opera a lot lately... it makes my heart hurt. If you haven't heard of it I recommend you listen to it... if you like musicals that is. It is about being gay in a catholic boarding school.
"here in a world where there's safety in falsehood, I have discovered the one thing that's real. That I love you and I've loved you from the start."
"You know you are insane" "I'm a caution for the vain, Mothers say well kids there's fat then there's Jane"

<3 Shades

I have fallen in love with Imogen Heap's new album... Ellipse
I got it on friday and it is already at the top of my iTunes most listened to...
I have my first exam today at 1... its going to be a bitch. Filling a blue book on beowulf is going to be interesting...

"You are wrong, sir, if you think that a man who is any good at all should take into account the risk of life or death; he should look to this actions, whether what he does is right or wrong, whether he is acting like a good or a bad man"
-Socrates as quoted by Plato in Apology

Today has been a day for me to contemplate my position in the world... am I good, bad, in between? What constitutes good or bad? We watched The Fountain Head by Ayn Rand today in my political science class. It basically is an argument for Libertarianism, which I generally agree with socially, just not economically. I think the government should play a much more active role in the economy, which is far more liberal than what Libertarianism suggests...
But I do agree with the main character Howard Rork, in his integrity. I think his example was mildly extreme in that he blew up a building to protect his own integrity, however, I do think that you shouldn't seek the approval of others just to get ahead. If you have a gift, something usefull to society, by all means share it and be a part of the greater good, but not to the point where you are compromising your own morals just to be a part of. After all, if a man does not have beliefs or doesn't stick to those own beliefs and morals, what is he but a tool for society. To help someone else, you must first take care of yourself.

I think this is what Socrates was trying to touch on in his speech to the Athenian Assembly after his condemnation to death for corrupting the young and being an athiest. He goes openly to his death, stating "It would have been a dreadful way to behave... [if] when the god ordered me, as I thought and believed, to live the life of a philosopher, to examine myself and others, I had abandoned my post for fear of death or anything else" (Apology from Plato's Five Dialogues) This is what I have been thinking of all day. Just some food for thought.

<3 Shades

hahahahhahahaha I spent aboout two hours reading through old journal entries, dont know why, and found this... it made me laugh because when I read it my first thought was "that is something i would say...:
"oh well. if I die, I love yous guys, all of my dear readers...


p.s. I don't think I am going to die. "

I'm writting this instead of getting ready for work, but what evs...

School starts in two days and I still dont have a running car... that sucks so hardcore...

Also, I am pretty much over the boy drama... havent talked to matt since last week sometime at work... we are still friends, but I am not putting myself back into a position to get burnt again...
Luke has a new boy, some 44 yr old Ecuadorian... what ever... if it is meant to be, than it will happen, though if he keeps trying to convince me to go to him(he is offering to get me to LA if I can get the 600 to get to Melbourne from there) than ima have to think long and hard about what im gonna do... but for now nope...

so my attention is turned from boys to school and cars... funny how the lonely feeling stays though... my horiscope for today hurt... lol... I usually dont read them but my mom sent mine to me today and the last line was :"Later on you should consider snuggling up close to someone you trust and care about deeply"

yeah riiiight... thats all i really want is someone to snuggle up to, not even sexually, just someone to be close to... but hey, horiscopes can lie.

So matt and I had "the talk" today, and I am not talking about birds, bees, and elephants, i am talking about the "maybe we should cut our losses and just resign ourselves to being unhostile coworkes as opposed to friends/brothers talk..." it was much needed and though we didnt get the opportunity to finish it, we should be talking again soon about such things to determine the next move... things were said, not all good, some of which i regret, but most of which i dont... i could tell he was agrivated while we were texting, because he said he felt as if I thought he was my spouse and he was cheating on me with her. which has some validation, but not a lot...

oh well, maybe it is time to part ways...
but this though scares me to death(insert rant where I am just thinking(writting) things through) I mean for so long he was an integral part of my life... we werent actually dating, but he meant a lot to me, more than a friend... almost a brother. I know I have you guys, but he was kind of my last link to the outside world. The only way I ever got out of my house with the acception of work, was spending time with him (and occasionally chelsea and Brian that one time)... and now that is even not an option, she is there... and the thought of spending all of my spare time alone in this house scares the shit out of me. so much. I have been there, done the hermit thing, got the tshirt and the scars to prove it, but it seems that that is my only option these days... not scars, but hermitism... if only i could afford the 600 for a plane ticket and the time to take off for two weeks... Luke wants me to come to australia, even offered to find a way to get me to LA so the flight would decrease in price(by almost half). but oh well, school starts soon, and maybe that will bring new challenges and functions.

So the bottom of this post which i am too lazy to cut is an open letter to someone who once read this but i am not sure if he still does, dont read it if you dont want, I just needed to get it off my chest.
Before that though, I now have a 92 toyota camry sitting in my driveway... now it is just finding the time to do all of the necessary repairs... good thing it is nothing too rediculous, and most of it I can do... Mike will have to help with the alternator hoses, but I can do all of the rest. not saying he won't help, as putting new struts on a car sucks, but since we will both be working it will be pretty quick work once we get started. It really needs a lot, new struts, brakes, hoses, a new tire, the latch on the hood needs to be fixed and we have to figure out if the power steering is out bc of lack of fluid or if it is out bc of the altenator... oh well.
KOMIAC next week, I am stoked. and luke is in town this week!


I always know not to go back and read posts from old people in my life, but I alwas do it anywas, and it always depresses me.
I don't know if you read this but I am thinking about you. not entirely in that way, though if I am to be honest a little bit in that way. mainly just wishing we could have been friends. I think we both know we were doomed from the start... were both too stubborn and strong willed... clash of the titans neh. I know i miss you as a person, but I cant figure out if the other part is you or the concept of you, considering no one else has even batted an eyelash my way since you... which was a year ago last week by the way. I bet you didn't feel it as much as I did. Oh well... one of these days I will get up the courage to say hi again, just as an old friend...
not that it would matter... from what I read, you are quite content, I doubt you even remember me... you have said things in the past few months with him that you never said with me... and yeah, I can't help but be a little jealous when you talk about him waiting asleep in your bed, thinking that used to be me who was sleeping while you toiled away at your computer... but then i remember how frustrated that made me, and I am glad that you have found someone who tolerates that, i just had my pet peeves... we all do.
hope all is well
<3 Shades

ahahahahahahahaha
saw this on Rockpapercynic

the caption below it read "I've been told that there are no straight men, just men who haven't met Mal Reynolds"

I giggled immensly

i has a computer! and I am towing my new car (a nice fixer-upper) to the shop to begin work on it this weekend... yessir, things are looking up!

Dinner tonight was Turkey Meat Loaf with a baked potato and peas w/ mushrooms. Dessert was fresh water melon.

Talked to luke a bit after dinner(luke being the australian guide who I have had feelings for for a while but was with his partner of six years, at least until about a month ago.) Did some reconnosaince while we talked, he met a guy in palm springs during his six week pan-country trip to the states, which will be ending here/nashville btw. But the guy was young(only a year younger than me) and he cant take him back to oz with him so it ends in palm springs... which makes me think that talking myself into getting up the guts to ask him to dinner while he is here may not be a good plan... he doesn't seem to want to start a long distance relationship (can't blame him)
but oh well...
more later, I have to go put the cats food up.

so yeah...
my best friend has a kind of sort of girlfriend. I have no problem with that. Except really its just sex... I also have no problem with that. She also has a boyfriend she has been with for 2 1/2 years... not really a big problem with that, its their deal...
the problem lies in the fact that everytime we are supposed to hang out, she ends up tagging along... now I don't particularly dislike her, but I also dont particularly like her either... kind of an indifference... anyways, because of this and other extenuating circumstances (both of us being carless) we havent really spent much time together recently.
That changed last night as I came over to his house at like 6 and we hung out for a while. Now this is the guy who I lived with for like a month during and after the Ice Storm, and I am used to sleeping on his huge ass bed... so about midnight he looks at me and is like "Ima go get her so we can watch this movie" ok what ev, she is coming over... they both promised to be good, but of course in the middle of the movie i drift off and when I wake up his hand is in her skirt and there is much heavy petting going on. Now, it would have been cool if they had said something as I was obviously awake, but even when I offered to go find elsewhere to sleep they insisted it would be fine... No. Not. Fine.
I did what all good friends do and quietly got up and left the room, being forced to sleep in his brother's(who luckily wasnt home, else it would have been the futon matress lying randomly in the hall) bed. I was livid when I went to sleep last night, but not so mad any more... dont get me wrong... im still not ok with this but theres no point in bringing it up. he will only spin it and not understand what he did wrong, and it is nearly impossible for me to stay pissed at him. hell even when I told him I didn't want to talk to him any more (more bs with this girl) we were back to relatively normal in the next few days...

I just dont know what to think....
and they are up kissing again... my shoes are in there...

I am ordering my new laptop tomorrow, and buying my new car today... a good week over all..

Hey friends... I know right! he lives after eight weeks... he must be a zombie... alas, I have no hunger for brains... just anything that is actually food...

So its been pretty eventful to say the least... School ended and not so well I might add... I failed my sociology and my U.S. history classes... a big deal since I have never failed a class before... wtf matt...

So I have to retake both of those in order to fix my GPA and get off academic probation...
Lets see what else...
I moved out of my dads house after the cops busted down our door and almost arrested me because they thought I was them... I had been napping when they came and was very dissoriented when all the sudden they are yelling into my room... He has since been in jail twice and is now on Home Incarceration... ankle bracelet and all... apparently when they came to get him the second time he had a bunch of pot on the table...

Part of the reason I haven't updated in forever is because my house got broken into and both of my computers have been stolen.... i am on a borrowed laptop right now. My car also got broken into and my MP3, CD players got stolen as well as my Debit Card. Soon after, a woman in front of me on a state highway stopped without warning which succesfully totalled my car...

That covers most of the bad, other than the typical work stuff and boy stuff...

The good is that I moved back to my moms after the dad incident and now have a nice house with all of my animals and I am ready for school to start again... Im taking a lot of Gen Eds this semester...

I haven't been to sleep yet, stayed up all night working on papers for my history class... wrote 4 papers... though the fourth was mildly nonsensical. I still have one to write too.

Momma and I found a house out in south louisville, not far from Iriqouis park.... I am getting pretty excited.... I want to do something like this (http://www.myhomeideas.com/myhome/photos/0,30587,1737535_1583962,00.html) to my room, though no where near that extravagant as my room is rather small...

<3